alone with my thoughts

For some reason this week has gone by extra quickly. I can't even really remember what I did to fill my time. I think part of that is because I have filled my 7 day schedule to the brink with classes, soccer practice, work (3 different jobs), DC small group, morning prayer meetings, Community Group, captain's meetings, DC training seminars, church, volunteer work, tutoring, and Teacher Assisting just for that reason -- so that I don't have time to sit around too much. I've just discovered over the years that it's not always healthy for me to have too much spare time to myself. I don't know -- I'm weird -- I scored exactly the same score in each category of "Extrovert" and "Introvert" on the Myer Briggs Personality test, ha. While big groups of people drain me, and I'm not real outgoing, and I enjoy time alone to read or walk or just rest, I still absolutely love people (I'm studying to be a teacher, after all) and often being alone is actually just as bad for me -- it can be very draining too sometimes. I know that there is a balance for all people, but it just takes time to figure out what you can handle personally and where your limits are. It's a process that I'm still working through. :-)

Anyway, today is one of those rare days that I do have some time. 9 hours of time, actually. Ha. I came in to the gym today to work stats for a women's basketball game, but now I'm sitting at the front desk working supervisor shift for the next 7 hours. Lots of times there are events or set up or tear down that I will be working on during this time, but not today. Which is nice - I have homework to work on and a book to read and scholarship applications to fill out (and blogs to update), but it's also just a lot of time, ha. But I'll manage. :-)

So I got started thinking this weekend about "places of peace." Or at least that's what I call them. I'm not exactly sure how to describe them, though. They're those very specific places in my life where I go sometimes to get away. They're those places where, when I'm there, I just feel removed from everything that's going on -- there's no pressure to perform or to work or to get things done or to be any certain way -- I can just be.

Some of them are very peculiar places. The shower in my apartment is one of them, ha. Maybe now you know a little better what I'm talking about? When you're in the shower, it's just you and the hot water and your thoughts -- there's no interruptions or work to be done or immediate concerns -- it's just relaxing. Peaceful.

There's a niche in the corner of the library behind some bookshelves that's like that too, funny as it sounds, haha. It's just a place I'll go sometimes between classes or what not to read or take a nap even. The shelves are full of huge, dusty research books, so no one ever goes back there, and every time I go there, it's just the same feeling -- I can just breathe.

My car is another one of those places (when I'm in there alone), and the prayer room in my dorm (I think I'm the only one who uses it), and the dirt road over the hills behind my house in Camarma, and trains (yes, trains). I'm sure that we all have some odd places like this. It's just an interesting concept.

And then, of course, this got me started thinking if there was such a thing as "people of peace." Same concept: when you're with them, you can just breathe... I don't know how else to describe it. I don't know that there are many people like that in my life. Is that a good thing to be? It's a curious question... Was Jesus like that? I don't feel like it would have ever been very peaceful being around Jesus -- at least not as a disciple of his -- there would always be this pressure to succeed, to measure up, I feel. It seems like he was always rebuking someone... There aren't many times recorded in the gospel when Jesus stopped just to encourage someone or listen to their family problems or laugh at a joke or cry with them or help them do their homework or carry their luggage....it's always made me wonder how much of that actually went on behind the scenes...

Because the crowds were drawn to him like sheep looking for a shepherd. There must have been something very peaceful about him...something very affirming -- very gentle...and yet very strong.. And I know that we are called to live at peace with one another as far as it is possible with us. But is that the same thing? It just makes me wonder what I need to work on in order to get to that place....to be a "person of peace." Where when people are with me, they can let down their facade for a moment and laugh or cry or rest or joke or converse intimately with no fear -- even with people I who bug me sometimes.. But especially with those who are close to me... I want to be a true encourager, a true servant, a true giver, and a true forgiver. To be a person of contagious joy and thankfulness all the time who has not a care for himself or his problems, but only for the people around him...

That's where I so desperately want to be, and yet I've got such a long way to go... I'm working on it..