I'm feeling pretty mixed up.
Life is so complicated... it's so........messy. So fragile. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed...
And other times I think it's the most beautiful thing anyone could have ever thought of.
...like when I sit outside on a clear, quiet summer night and just look at the stars...... :-)
I think there's something in all of us that wishes things were perfect... that everything would be alright in the end... that we could be sure of ourselves for once, and we could find it in us to love someone else perfectly, and that we'd find joy, and that one day...........
.....one day we could sit back and smile and just be content.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
So I know it's been a while, and it feels like I need to update, but I'm not exactly sure what to say, ha. I don't have anything too deep on my mind, but I think that mainly recently I've just felt very thankful. My eyes have really been opened to see how much I have and how much God has blessed me. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world, a family who loves me incredibly, I am a part of a church that has grown me and stretched me, I attend a school which has blessed me and taught me in many ways, and all of my needs have been met. And also it is summer. ;-) God has blessed me so much, and my only hope is that the way I live every day makes Him proud to call me His son and reflects the love and hope and power of Christ, even if in the smallest way.
And for the longest time, that has been my prayer for everyone around me, too -- that they would know and experience the scope and depth of God's love for them in such a way that their only response could be wholehearted devotion to serving and loving one another and helping to break God's kingdom into their everyday situations. And that isn't easy. It takes sacrifice and denying our feelings for the sake of loving those we don't get along with, and it takes initiative and prayer and work.......but it works. :-) And it's what we're called to -- it's the whole reason for our existence -- to love God by loving His people -- our enemies, the outcasts, the popular, the poor AND the rich, the conservatives AND the liberals, those who have blessed us, and those who have only hurt us.
And so I just pray that thankfulness wouldn't stop at a prayer in my heart, but that it would spread contagiously to those around me by the way I live. And I realize that's easy to say and it's maybe a cliche thing to say as a Christian, but that's what's on my heart right now and I am SO thankful that God's grace has covered my mistakes and is new EVERY morning to strengthen my weaknesses and fill me again with an amazing understanding of God's love for me and the faith I need to trust that He has a perfect purpose through all of the confusion in my life now. Everything He does is wonderful, and I am confident that the work that He began in me will be carried through to completion on the day of His return. :-)
And for the longest time, that has been my prayer for everyone around me, too -- that they would know and experience the scope and depth of God's love for them in such a way that their only response could be wholehearted devotion to serving and loving one another and helping to break God's kingdom into their everyday situations. And that isn't easy. It takes sacrifice and denying our feelings for the sake of loving those we don't get along with, and it takes initiative and prayer and work.......but it works. :-) And it's what we're called to -- it's the whole reason for our existence -- to love God by loving His people -- our enemies, the outcasts, the popular, the poor AND the rich, the conservatives AND the liberals, those who have blessed us, and those who have only hurt us.
And so I just pray that thankfulness wouldn't stop at a prayer in my heart, but that it would spread contagiously to those around me by the way I live. And I realize that's easy to say and it's maybe a cliche thing to say as a Christian, but that's what's on my heart right now and I am SO thankful that God's grace has covered my mistakes and is new EVERY morning to strengthen my weaknesses and fill me again with an amazing understanding of God's love for me and the faith I need to trust that He has a perfect purpose through all of the confusion in my life now. Everything He does is wonderful, and I am confident that the work that He began in me will be carried through to completion on the day of His return. :-)
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Ok, here's a question: "If you could know what anybody was saying or thinking about you at any given time, would you want to know?"
It's something that I've always thought about, and I think that most people I've asked have immediately responded, "No!" So I don't know, maybe I'm just weird, but see, I've always wanted to know that!
I mean, I think a big part of that is the fact that I'm a peacemaker, a people-pleaser (to a fault, sometimes), and very anti-conflict, and so I thrive on knowing what other people think of me. Which is usually an unhealthy thing, I take it, but it's true! My worst fear is that of being disliked or ostracized, I can't stand the thought of social rejection, and I absolutely die inside at the thought that someone might seriously hate me! Maybe that sounds sad or pathetic, but it's true -- I don't know what else to say...
But I know what you're thinking: "Wait, so if you can't stand the thought of people hating you, why would you want to know what everyone thinks of you? You're undoubtedly going to figure out that some people think you're arrogant or a jerk or insensitive or stupid or annoying." But see, that's the thing: because I can't stand conflict, I don't have any enemies that I know of. Now, there are people I don't care to be around much, but I don't know of anyone whom I simply can't stand. And I'm not trying to brag; I'm just trying to make a point. Because I can't help but wonder if there are people out there who can't stand to be around me. And if there are, then why? What can I do better? How have I hurt that person? How can I make amends? I'm a people-pleaser -- I just want everyone to be happy (ha, sounds funny, but it's SO true) -- and so if there are people out there who hate me, I crave to know why and what I can do about it. That's why I want to know what people think about me.
But if you can't relate to that or it just doesn't sound like you, then think about this: have you ever been talking with someone, and they suddenly tell you something along the lines of, "Some friends and I were talking about you the other day and we all agreed that you were __(fill in the blank)__." Has that ever happened to you? And then did you ever just not hear the rest of what that person was saying simply because you were dying to know why he or she was talking about you and what all else they said about you? Or have you ever met someone you've never seen before, but they know someone you know and they say, "Oh yeah, so-and-so has told me all about you!"?
Think about it. See, I think that most people are surprised by the idea that they come up in other people's conversations when they're not around. But it happens ALL the time!! When was the last time that you talked to a friend or family member about someone else?? I bet you can remember exactly when the last time was and who you were talking about and what you said, even, because it happens to all of us ALL the time. Watch yourself one day and count how many times you talk about someone else when they're not around. And then think about how many times you must come up in other people's conversations DAILY, that you don't even know about! Don't tell me that you're not curious by now. haha. You want to know. ;-) lol.
Anyway, I don't even think I was going anywhere with that, and I'm not entirely sure why I wrote it all down, but I guess it's just been on my mind. It's an interesting question. :-)
It's something that I've always thought about, and I think that most people I've asked have immediately responded, "No!" So I don't know, maybe I'm just weird, but see, I've always wanted to know that!
I mean, I think a big part of that is the fact that I'm a peacemaker, a people-pleaser (to a fault, sometimes), and very anti-conflict, and so I thrive on knowing what other people think of me. Which is usually an unhealthy thing, I take it, but it's true! My worst fear is that of being disliked or ostracized, I can't stand the thought of social rejection, and I absolutely die inside at the thought that someone might seriously hate me! Maybe that sounds sad or pathetic, but it's true -- I don't know what else to say...
But I know what you're thinking: "Wait, so if you can't stand the thought of people hating you, why would you want to know what everyone thinks of you? You're undoubtedly going to figure out that some people think you're arrogant or a jerk or insensitive or stupid or annoying." But see, that's the thing: because I can't stand conflict, I don't have any enemies that I know of. Now, there are people I don't care to be around much, but I don't know of anyone whom I simply can't stand. And I'm not trying to brag; I'm just trying to make a point. Because I can't help but wonder if there are people out there who can't stand to be around me. And if there are, then why? What can I do better? How have I hurt that person? How can I make amends? I'm a people-pleaser -- I just want everyone to be happy (ha, sounds funny, but it's SO true) -- and so if there are people out there who hate me, I crave to know why and what I can do about it. That's why I want to know what people think about me.
But if you can't relate to that or it just doesn't sound like you, then think about this: have you ever been talking with someone, and they suddenly tell you something along the lines of, "Some friends and I were talking about you the other day and we all agreed that you were __(fill in the blank)__." Has that ever happened to you? And then did you ever just not hear the rest of what that person was saying simply because you were dying to know why he or she was talking about you and what all else they said about you? Or have you ever met someone you've never seen before, but they know someone you know and they say, "Oh yeah, so-and-so has told me all about you!"?
Think about it. See, I think that most people are surprised by the idea that they come up in other people's conversations when they're not around. But it happens ALL the time!! When was the last time that you talked to a friend or family member about someone else?? I bet you can remember exactly when the last time was and who you were talking about and what you said, even, because it happens to all of us ALL the time. Watch yourself one day and count how many times you talk about someone else when they're not around. And then think about how many times you must come up in other people's conversations DAILY, that you don't even know about! Don't tell me that you're not curious by now. haha. You want to know. ;-) lol.
Anyway, I don't even think I was going anywhere with that, and I'm not entirely sure why I wrote it all down, but I guess it's just been on my mind. It's an interesting question. :-)
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Things I Need To Do Before I Die
This is a similar list to the last one, but this one is actually personal. I know the list is a little.....ambitious?? Maybe? Ha. But I like to think of them as dreams. :-)
::sigh:: .....in a perfect world....
1) Visit all 50 states.
2) Visit the
3) Go see a World Cup game.
4) Get married and have a family.
5) Learn another language.
6) Learn to sail.
7) Go skydiving.
8) Go scuba diving.
9) Go hunting.
10) Take a backpacking trip in the
11)
12) Coach a soccer team.
13) Get a master’s degree.
14) Write a book.
15) Live to see and enjoy grandkids.
16) Be satisfied that I have lived the best life I could, that I have been the best husband, father, son, brother, and friend that I knew how to be, that I have loved and served Jesus with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind, and that I have truly loved others just as much as I loved myself.
Things Every Person Should Do Before They Die
Here are 50 things that I think every person should do before they die. I actually have a list written out on paper, and there are a lot more than 50, but I thought I'd start with 50. And I realize that not everyone will have the opportunity to do these things and that some people might not even have access to the things they'd need to complete this list. BUT....in a perfect world....every person should have the opportunity to do every single one of these things.
1) Go fishing.
2) Visit at least one other country.
3) Learn to play an instrument.
4) Attend at least one summer camp as a kid.
5) Vote.
6) Go to a music concert.
7) Take a nap in a hammock.
8) Learn to ride a bike.
9) Learn to swim.
10) Eat a milkshake.
11) Dam a creek -- make a swimming hole.
12) See a movie in theaters.
13) Make a fort (inside AND outside).
14) Have a full-out, serious pillow fight with friends.
15) Learn to shoot a gun.
16) Fall in love.
17) Play a prank.
18) Get a job.
19) Chill at home with a friend.
20) Learn to enjoy a sport and get good at it -- even if it's a quasi-sport like bowling, ping-pong, pool, canoing, hiking, or bike riding.
21) Make cookies or brownies (NOT from a mix!)
22) Eat at a restaurant.
23) Learn to make paper airplanes.
24) Make a snowman.
25) Get in a snowball fight.
26) Go camping.
27) Go skiing or snowboarding.
28) Go sledding.
29) Go to the beach.
30) Go to a good zoo.
31) Spend a day at an amusement park with friends.
32) Go sailing or boating.
33) Fly in an airplane.
34) Drive a car.
35) Drive a motorcycle.
36) Roast and eat smores.
37) Learn to shoot a rubber band (it's so sad to me when people don't know how to shoot a rubber band right...).
38) Swim in a lake or river.
39) Build a treehouse.
40) Go to a museum.
41) Receive the equivalent of at least a high school education.
42) Spend a night at a hotel.
43) Learn a second language.
44) Have a water fight (water balloons, squirt guns, the hose -- whatever).
45) Go hunting.
46) Learn to build a fire.
47) Move.
48) Play hide-and-seek.
49) Play a board game with friends.
50) See a professional sporting event.
And as a disclaimer, I haven't even done all of these things... I'm working on it. ;-) If you have any suggestions to add, I'm all ears. How many have you done?
1) Go fishing.
2) Visit at least one other country.
3) Learn to play an instrument.
4) Attend at least one summer camp as a kid.
5) Vote.
6) Go to a music concert.
7) Take a nap in a hammock.
8) Learn to ride a bike.
9) Learn to swim.
10) Eat a milkshake.
11) Dam a creek -- make a swimming hole.
12) See a movie in theaters.
13) Make a fort (inside AND outside).
14) Have a full-out, serious pillow fight with friends.
15) Learn to shoot a gun.
16) Fall in love.
17) Play a prank.
18) Get a job.
19) Chill at home with a friend.
20) Learn to enjoy a sport and get good at it -- even if it's a quasi-sport like bowling, ping-pong, pool, canoing, hiking, or bike riding.
21) Make cookies or brownies (NOT from a mix!)
22) Eat at a restaurant.
23) Learn to make paper airplanes.
24) Make a snowman.
25) Get in a snowball fight.
26) Go camping.
27) Go skiing or snowboarding.
28) Go sledding.
29) Go to the beach.
30) Go to a good zoo.
31) Spend a day at an amusement park with friends.
32) Go sailing or boating.
33) Fly in an airplane.
34) Drive a car.
35) Drive a motorcycle.
36) Roast and eat smores.
37) Learn to shoot a rubber band (it's so sad to me when people don't know how to shoot a rubber band right...).
38) Swim in a lake or river.
39) Build a treehouse.
40) Go to a museum.
41) Receive the equivalent of at least a high school education.
42) Spend a night at a hotel.
43) Learn a second language.
44) Have a water fight (water balloons, squirt guns, the hose -- whatever).
45) Go hunting.
46) Learn to build a fire.
47) Move.
48) Play hide-and-seek.
49) Play a board game with friends.
50) See a professional sporting event.
And as a disclaimer, I haven't even done all of these things... I'm working on it. ;-) If you have any suggestions to add, I'm all ears. How many have you done?
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Swallowed by the Sea
Waves crashing,
Receeding,
Attacking,
Retreating,
Constant, relentless
Rhythmic beating...
In,
Out,
Up,
Down,
Churning,
Burning,
Never sound.
Thoughts flow
Like that formless
Deep,
In,
Out,
Up,
Down,
Swirling,
Mixing,
Never sound.
A constant, relentless
Rhythmic beating,
Churning,
Burning,
Crashing,
Retreating,
Fighting,
Elusive,
Chaotic,
Empty.
Receeding,
Attacking,
Retreating,
Constant, relentless
Rhythmic beating...
In,
Out,
Up,
Down,
Churning,
Burning,
Never sound.
Thoughts flow
Like that formless
Deep,
In,
Out,
Up,
Down,
Swirling,
Mixing,
Never sound.
A constant, relentless
Rhythmic beating,
Churning,
Burning,
Crashing,
Retreating,
Fighting,
Elusive,
Chaotic,
Empty.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
choked up...
"How much is a human life worth?"
- Oskar, Schindler's List
What is one life worth...
To you?
When the day comes....and you see all that you were and all the time that you were given and all that you were blessed with and all the decisions that you were given to make....
.....and then you see all that you gave.....
...and all that you didn't give...
....and you see all the faces of the people you ignored....
...the people who were silently crying out...
...the people who hurt you, or were arrogant, or self-righteous, or drunks, or hard to get along with, or annoying, or cheated on you, or perhaps never did you any wrong....
...those whom you refused to eat with...
...to speak with...
..to listen to..
...when you see those people...
...and then you look full into the eyes of Jesus...
what will you see?
- Oskar, Schindler's List
What is one life worth...
To you?
When the day comes....and you see all that you were and all the time that you were given and all that you were blessed with and all the decisions that you were given to make....
.....and then you see all that you gave.....
...and all that you didn't give...
....and you see all the faces of the people you ignored....
...the people who were silently crying out...
...the people who hurt you, or were arrogant, or self-righteous, or drunks, or hard to get along with, or annoying, or cheated on you, or perhaps never did you any wrong....
...those whom you refused to eat with...
...to speak with...
..to listen to..
...when you see those people...
...and then you look full into the eyes of Jesus...
what will you see?
Thursday, May 1, 2008
still alive. :-)
The last 4 days have been....intense. ha. I guess it always comes down to that at the end of the year, though, huh? The good news is that next week won't be so bad -- I've only got 3 finals, and 2 of them aren't even cumulative, so that's a blessing. :-) God is good.
I'm SOO stoked for school to be done, you don't even know. haha. And it's not really even because I'm looking forward to this summer that much, but just because school NEEDS to be done. Soon. ha.
I don't really know how to feel about this summer, actually. It'll be good working at camp again, but that gets pretty crazy too, as I know from experience. It can just get tiring after a while, but it definitely has its upsides too. It's a very.......emotionally...."up-and-down" type of job. ha. But overall I think I'm looking forward to it -- it'll be nice for a change again. :-) I really hope we have another sweet staff again this year, too... And of course I'm praying everyday that God will really give me a heart for these kids and that He'll give me the strength I need everyday to wake up and show them love and speak truth into their lives. It'll be good to be back.
And overall I'm also just really glad it worked out for me to work in GR again. I can keep going to Crossroads, I'll be around my best friends, I can play on the CU men's soccer summer league, it's an environment I know, and I think it'll be a sweet summer in the end. :-D
Just one week left!! God is good. :-D
I'm SOO stoked for school to be done, you don't even know. haha. And it's not really even because I'm looking forward to this summer that much, but just because school NEEDS to be done. Soon. ha.
I don't really know how to feel about this summer, actually. It'll be good working at camp again, but that gets pretty crazy too, as I know from experience. It can just get tiring after a while, but it definitely has its upsides too. It's a very.......emotionally...."up-and-down" type of job. ha. But overall I think I'm looking forward to it -- it'll be nice for a change again. :-) I really hope we have another sweet staff again this year, too... And of course I'm praying everyday that God will really give me a heart for these kids and that He'll give me the strength I need everyday to wake up and show them love and speak truth into their lives. It'll be good to be back.
And overall I'm also just really glad it worked out for me to work in GR again. I can keep going to Crossroads, I'll be around my best friends, I can play on the CU men's soccer summer league, it's an environment I know, and I think it'll be a sweet summer in the end. :-D
Just one week left!! God is good. :-D
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