humbled

I know I've probably told most people by now, but earlier this week (specifically, on Thursday, September 25th, at approximately 12:38pm) God just showered me with His blessing. I am so humbled.

It happened on Thursday afternoon. Breana and I had just gotten out of Linguistics class, and we were walking to the Student Union to kill 20 minutes before I had to run off to work and she had class, and since I hadn't checked my mail in a day or two, I decided to stop by real quick to see if anything had come in. I opened my box quickly, only half glancing inside, completely expecting not to find anything, but there were three envelopes inside. For a second, I got real excited until I flipped them over and noticed they looked like bills. Awesome. In a gesture of disappointed disgust, I shoved them into my backpack and walked the rest of the way to the lounge area with Bre.

When we got there we found a seat to put our stuff on, and as she walked over to the coffee place to get a drink, I grabbed my mail and followed her over, flipping through the envelopes. One was a checking account statement from my bank, the other one was some letter from the bank that handles my school loans, and the third was from Cornerstone....which was kinda weird...because I wasn't expecting anything from them. Curious, I opened it up while I waited and pulled out a statement listing all of my scholarships and my balance for the rest of the semester. No big deal, I had received several of these. My eyes skimmed over it, and I almost tossed it in the trash until a thought struck me: why would they send me another one of these statements unless something had changed? I immediately got anxious and frantically skimmed the page, trying to figure out what was missing or what was different.

And then I saw it.

Hidden in the middle of the list were these three words:

Men's Soccer Scholarship -- $1,500

I almost choked. When Bre looked over to see what was wrong, all I could do was hand her the letter and stand there, eyes wide and mouth open. Doubtless I was drooling some too. I didn't care.

For those of you who missed the hype, I've been praying hard for about a month now about my financial situation here at Cornerstone. Basically, with my sister in school too now, my parents have been unable to help me out financially as much as they have in the past, and with a car and a cell phone now, my expenditures have gone up a little as well, and the bottom line is that I didn't know how I'd make ends meet this semester without making some drastic changes or taking out more loans (as a VERY last resort..). I had talked to my coach about it in May, and he had promised to help me out (I've played soccer for Cornerstone for 2 years now, done everything coach has ever asked me to, and haven't received anything. And that's been ok...until now.), but a week after school started he told me he couldn't. I was devastated and confused. It would mean I would have to quit soccer to look for a job, and I had already been through pre-season; I had put in too much for that now.

So I prayed. Hard.

A week later I went to our Athletic Director asking if there was anything he could do to help me. He gave me a speech about how it was bad timing since school had already started and that he didn't think he'd be able to do much, but that he'd try. I left heavy hearted. A week later I checked back in with him and he said he hadn't gotten around to anything yet and that he'd let me know if anything changed. Two more weeks passed without any word, and I was just talking about quitting, like I should have done a month ago, so I'd be able to pay my next bill.

I thought about finally quitting on Tuesday. On Wednesday the varsity team had a game and every single eligible defender got to dress except for me. I was down to my last emotional thread. And then on Thursday, September 25th, at 12:38pm, He lifted me out of the pit. Just like that. And I have been so humbled.... He is mighty to save, and with His right arm He protects His children. My broken cup overflows....

PRAISE THE LORD!

some scattered thoughts...

Where does all the time go? I am now 2 full years into my college experience, and I am fully convinced that time does indeed speed up sometime after the summer of your graduating year of high school, ha! The days just aren't as long anymore... Well....except for Mondays. ;-)

Another thing that I have realized that is quite sad is that in all of my business, it seems that I have nothing exciting to write about. Which, besides being disappointing for you (as the reader), I'm sure, it was also very depressing for me when I realized it, oh...about 5 minutes ago. A whole week has gone by and I have no deep thoughts, no inspiring moments, no introspective, life-changing ideas to share?? What kind of sad existence is that??? What is the point if I am not growing, serving, being challenged, and learning new things? Unfortunately, I believe I have fallen into some small slump of "Comfortability" recently. Not that life has been easy or boring for me over the last 2 weeks, by any means at all (in fact, it has been quite the opposite: busy, stressful, and most tiring, although it has also definitely had its ups), but it's more that I feel like I have fallen into a life of routines recently, which greatly saddens me and has left me feeling somewhat restless. I need a new challenge. Which I think is a good thing, for the most part. You need to feel that way every once in a while; it's healthy.

The problem is, I don't exactly know how to fix it. Initially I thought that if I sought out some more ways to become involved in my immediate communities, that would provide some more opportunities for growth. So I started attending a 6am men's prayer group from my church on Wednesday mornings, I signed up to work in the nursery at church every other Sunday or so, and soon I will be joining another church Bible study/prayer group. And I already lead a small group at school, work 15 hours a week, have classes, and am on the men's soccer team. Makes me tired just thinking about it!

But it's only been tonight that I just started wondering if maybe greater involvement isn't necessarily the key to this growth and change of pace and fullness of life that I so desperately crave right now. Something deep down inside seems to be whispering that adding more things to an already crammed to-do list probably isn't going to give me the relief and fulfillment that I'm looking for, even if I am doing them with a pure heart and an honest desire to serve and love and grow...

So where does that leave me? I don't know. I honestly just worked all this out in my head right now. And maybe that in itself all I need to add to my hectic schedule: some time set aside every day for reflection and prayer and goal-setting. I already have a time set aside in the morning for a devotional and some prayer, but maybe the key to making sense of everything is just adding in some extra time to be still? I guess it can never hurt to try... :-)

Starry Nights

Here's another poem I wrote this week, this time for my creative writing class. It's really nothing deep, just a picture of a memory... When I lived in Spain I used to love to take walks at night on this dirt road through the wheat fields behind our house. It was so peaceful, and we were out in the country, so you could see all the stars....one of my favorite memories from my childhood... :-)

I remember those nights,

Those clear, starry nights,

Walking down the long dirt road

That wanders through infinite fields of grain

Behind our house.

Heat would rise from the rocks beneath my feet

In shudders, now released

Into the soft, cool breeze

That washes over the gentle hills,

Soothing the earth,

Laying all to rest,

Swirling, brushing my face

With a whisper.

My eyes gaze up;

You are never alone with the stars.

Hands, extended, brush meek heads of harvest

On either side of the road,

As tall, slender shafts

Sway, bowing low,

Now dancing for the starry hosts above,

Wild waves swelling,

Rushing over ripened fields,

Singing to the rhythmic pulse

Of a grand insectile symphony.

the gift of sight

It's Friday again. Everyone take a deep breath; we made it. :-) God is good, the sun is still shining (even if it has been behind the clouds for the last few days...), the birds are still singing, and we have been given another beautiful day of life. What a blessing!

Sometimes it's so easy to get sucked into the little things.... I am constantly praying that God would just open my eyes and make me into a man who always sees the big picture, no matter what the circumstances. It makes me think of that story in 2 Kings where Elisha's servant wakes up one morning only to discover that the whole city is surrounded by a foreign army and he wakes up Elisha scared to death, but Elisha tells him not to worry, and is like, "there are more on our side than on theirs!" Whenever I read that story, I can just picture the two of them -- a frightened young boy and a wise old man -- up on the high walls of the city, looking out over a terrible force encamed around them, with the morning sun peaking over the hills, setting the sky ablaze, and then Elisha prays, "Oh Lord, open his eyes!" And immediately the boy sees the vast, fiery army of God surrounding their enemies.... That's how I want to be.

I want to see.