I believe that I am in the beginning stages of developing a theory on life -- particularly communication. This is something that has constantly been on my mind since this last April or May. I'm sure this idea is most likely not original with me, but it's something that I came up with on my own and have been refining and testing for the last few months.
And here is my idea: that perhaps even as high as up to 90% of all interpersonal interaction between people is based off of some sort of misunderstanding or inaccurate, premature judgments made without all the necessary information.
And I don't even know if that's a good way to sum it up. I'm working on it. But here's the thought: that MOST of the time, most interaction and communication between people leads to judgments being made about the other person. Judgments about their attitude, their personality, their intentions, their sincerity, their respectability, their trustworthiness... the list goes on. And on. Because like Don Miller so brilliantly pointed out, we humans are obsessed with comparing ourselves to one another. Just look at fashion, trends, peer pressure, competition (the whole point of sports is to compare two sides to see which is better) -- EVERYTHING we do and say is wrapped around this idea that every person wants to be accepted and loved, and the way we gauge that is through comparison -- if I'm better than he/she, more people will like me.
Anyway, I just take that a step farther, because one day it hit me -- if everyone's trying so hard to be accepted, how come some people come across as or are known as jerks/awkward/nerds/crazy/over-the-top/attention-seekers/etc, etc? If everyone is acting in the way that they think will bring them the most love and acceptance, why does it not seem that way? And I concluded that it's because of misunderstandings and premature judgments.
Because I truly believe that everyone is looking for acceptance and love above and beyond anything else. Whether they'll admit to it or not.
But if I perceive my humor to be funny, but someone else finds it offensive, that's a type of misunderstanding, right? Because the intent was to humor -- to bring positive attention and a feeling of acceptance. Or if I perceive my happy-go-lucky personality to be uplifting and encouraging, but someone else sees it as inauthentic and an attempt to hide my true self, then there is another misunderstanding. And it seems dumb, but this is how we end up with enemies so often! We see someone's actions or hear their words and make subconscious (or conscious!) judgments about their intents, and end up with a premature opinion of them that was lower than what the first person wanted you to have.
This happens in communication all the time too -- if you pass an acquaintance in the hall and say Hi, but they don't reply, you might take offense, pass them up as being self-centered, arrogant, or rude, when really they may simply be in shock because they just lost their job or because of a phone call saying a close family member was sick. And yet because of that, you don't speak to them next time, then they think you hate them for no reason, so they return the favor, and now you both hate each other for an absurd reason. And then when you add gossip on top of that -- "I never knew ______ was so rude! Yesterday when I passed him, he..."
I think I understand more now why God is so big on cutting out gossip, slander, controlling the tongue, and loving people -- only God knows the heart. People just want to be accepted. They want to be loved. And sometimes they're immature in how they go about seeking it, but we've all been there, and if we know what people truly want, then it transforms the way we view their actions -- the sarcastic people are sarcastic, not because they're filled with bitterness and anger, but because they maybe want to stand out -- and the nerds are nerds, not because they actually believe that dragons and magic are real, but maybe because it's their escape from a cruel world that won't give them a second chance -- and the happy-go-lucky people are happy, not necessarily because they're wearing a mask, but maybe because they figure being happy and loving is the best way to get others to love you back -- and the show offs show off, not because they honestly think they're all that great, but maybe because they've believed the lie that you are the sum of what you do, and so if you cannot perform and impress, then you are nothing. And it goes on.
So next time you have a negative thought about someone, or next time someone rubs you the wrong way, think about that. And try to approach that situation and figure that person out STARTING with the assumption that they DESPERATELY want to be accepted, they desperately need unconditional love, and whether they admit it or not, they need you. That the intention in their action was to preserve peace -- not make an enemy. Why do we always assume the negative first? Give people the benefit of the doubt... Trust. Forgive. Move on. Nothing in life is a coincidence if life rests in the hands of a sovereign God -- you had the experience you had with that person for a reason -- the only responsibility that you have is what you'll do with it and how you will chose to respond.
You know the rest.
