I was reading this book, Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Barton, today, and the chapter on confession brought to mind another issue that I've been struggling through for the longest time -- probably since last October... And that is this: the line between being open and honest with people while still observing social unspoken laws of appropriateness.
I don't know if that made any sense to you, though, so I'll try again. See, there is a small part of me (especially as a Christian) that believes that it is critical to be open and honest with people. Always. That if you are offended by someone's actions, or if you were blessed by someone, or if you have suggestions for improvement, or if you just can't stand someone's particular mannerisms, that you should tell them -- delicately and lovingly and as encouragingly as possible, but that you should still tell them. How can we expect to function efficiently as a body if we hold back our thoughts and feelings? (I'm preaching to myself here - I think I am the worst person in the world at this.) I feel like so often SO many of us are holding our negative (and positive!) opinions to ourselves, and if we don't like something or someone, we just stay away. And probably gossip about it some, none of which actually helps to solve any problems. And when I look at Jesus, it doesn't seem like he lived like that at all -- he was constantly telling the disciples that their faith was too small and the pharisees that their religion was empty and worthless and that Judas was a devil and that he was the King of the Jews -- and he never even tried to make it sound remotely nice or encouraging or uplifting. Or is that not what "telling the truth in love" means? He was just blunt. It seems like he kept nothing a secret. ....or did he?
Because then there's the other side of the coin. The side that says to live at peace with each other as much as it depends on you. And even though I feel like I should be more open with people, I always talk myself out of it when it comes right down to it, because, well, I guess it feels more safe to err on this side. And I'm ashamed to say it, but I'm scared to death of taking risks. Especially when it comes to relationships. Relationships are everything to me, and I can't stand risking even one over a stupid opinion of mine that, 1) is probably based out of selfish motives and therefore invalid, and 2) that I could have just as easily kept to myself, swallowed my pride and selfishness, and moved on. It's been years since I've seen Bambi, but I still remember that line from Thumper: "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." And I've always thought that was a brilliant rule to live by. I just always said nice things and kept the bad things to myself. And it worked like a charm. Until recently. Because now I see that relationships must be founded on openness and honesty or they'll never go very far. But I still feel like "Thumper's Rule" holds truth as well -- why should we be saying things that are not nice to each other? Shouldn't all of our talk be wholesome and edifying for each other? Shouldn't everything we say serve to build each other up? And so if you KNOW that someone will react defensively and will most likely be offended by even a kind bit of constructive criticism, should you still tell them, or no?
Because sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes there is simply no nice way to put it. And that's coming from an idealist at heart -- a year ago I would have told you that there is always a nice way to put anything. That offense is mainly given, not taken. (Which is a whole other debate.) I don't know that I believe that anymore. In fact, I think that now I'd say the opposite. So then what?
Where's the line? If the truth will hurt someone, should you still tell them? Does it just depend? I think THOSE are the main 2 questions I'm trying to ask. Should we always be honest, or is there "a time for everything under the sun" -- including secret opinions about people? It's all very confusing to me, and I hate thinking about it, to be honest -- mostly because I don't have any answers and I always end up going in the same circles. It would make for a good conversation, though. I'm always ready for a good conversation. :-)
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3 comments:
oh, aaron, you have definitely hit a tough topic...i don´t always have the best track record for timing when it comes to speaking truth into someone´s life. however, i do think that if people are not ready to hear what you have to say then you are not going to serve them well by saying it...somewhere in there you say something about ¨if it is going to hurt them¨...maybe a first step is to decide whether it is going to HELP them. If it is going to hurt, why would you do it? however, if it going to help them then it is probably worth saying and will also probably be heard.
second thought, i think that we need to build relationships in which we can speak the truth AND receive the truth...i know that i´m much more inclined to hear the same piece of information from one person than from another and that is totally based on the relationship that i have with those people...not sure i entirely know how it comes about but i do think it has to be intentional.
whatcha think?
I really like what you said about first considering how much what we have to say will actually HELP someone, rather than just being honest for honesty's sake. And that hits on a whole other debate -- how much are we judged and/or condemned by God for our motives and intentions rather than merely by our actions? It's another something that's been on my mind this summer...
I do still think there are times when our intention to help is not perceived that way, and we know it won't be perceived that way, but when we also know that withholding our opinion will not help anything either. Like if you're living with someone and their habit of never washing the dishes is driving you nuts... When do you let it go and determine to serve and wash the dishes every night and forgive 70 times 7, and when do you bring it up, even though you know it's a touchy subject for them or that they will be very annoyed? In that case, it could go either way -- saying something might be just as detrimental for your relationship as not saying anything at all... But there's no way to really know... Do you err on the side of openness? Maybe it depends..? And that's when it gets hard. :-)
And I like what you said about relationships, as well. I think that's a trust issue. It's an issue of being able to trust and believe that someone has your best interest in mind when they criticize, rather than assuming the worst and taking things personally. It's about giving people the benefit of the doubt. There's a lot of truth in that.
yeah, aaron, i do think it does depend on the circumstances a bit...are they open? do i have that relationship to have a conversation like that? am i ready to have that conversation? i'm thinking of your example of dishes and the person you live with--that sort of thing is a completely different deal to me than a person who is doing something destructive in their lives. know what i mean?
so that of course leaves your question about when to confront...i think i would rather not say anything than speak incorrectly...i have no idea if it is right and unfortunately i'm afraid if may well be self preservation on my part...i do think that i've gotten more bold in last several years though. not sure if it is age or that at times more recently it seems like it has become my job to confront people. don't like it much though!
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