the hardest part.

I just finished watching Patch Adams for the first time... What a brilliant movie. And I've been convicted... Again.


How am I working to improve the quality of life in those around me?


Even in the people whom I don't like? The people I don't get along with? The awkward people? The people who've hurt me? The people I don't trust?

....picture their faces....


Where is my heart?

How am I loving them?



Truly loving them...

dandelions.

I love dandelions.

I don't know why, but for a few days now I've wanted to write about dandelions. Again, I'm not exactly sure why. Something always makes me smile when I see them. Maybe it's because they're one of the few flowers that I actually know the name of, haha. Maybe it's just because they have such a sweet name... I don't know -- something about them just reminds me of summer.

Something about them just reminds me of the simple beauty of life.

But I've heard rumors that this amazing flower isn't really considered a flower. I guess some people like to consider it a weed. Which also puzzles me. Because it quite unmistakably has a bright yellow flower on the top.

I'm not exactly sure what classifies a weed, but I guess some people will never be able to get their minds around the idea that there is beauty even in weeds. That beauty isn't always found in nice little packages wrapped in colorful, shiny paper. That there is complexity in simplicity, and that sometimes beauty can be quite terrifying. And sometimes it's mixed in with the ugly and the base and the unpolished...

And sometimes, it blooms on the top of a common weed.

a simple question

What is holding you up right now?




...are you clinging to a life raft...?







or to the great I AM?

What am I doing with my life???

I need to vent... I just finished watching the movie The Kite Runner... I read the book last September and I remember being left with the same impression.

It turns your stomach...

What am I doing here? Sitting in my own room..well clothed....well fed....paying $25,000 a year to attend a private university in the United States...listening to music from the Evensong team over in Daverman singing about serving Christ......IN GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN!!!

not that you can't serve God in Grand Rapids, guys, but....................come on!!

what am I doing?

why me? ....why here???? Is this really what You've called me to, God??? now????






..............or am I just the biggest fool in the world.....?



....O God, have mercy on a wretched man!!

I was just curious what you might think of this... I found this note in my Bible today during church from a sermon I heard in high school, and I totally forgot I had it in there, but it made me think. Here's what it says:

"So often we vehemently and self-righteously oppose things like drunkenness, adultery, idolatry, thievery, etc, when these are not really the real problems in life; these are only mere manifestations of the sickness of the soul. And the opposite is true as well -- so often we praise things like wisdom, contentedness, being a servant, kindness, generosity, etc, but these are not what Christianity is all about either -- these are only mere reflections of an intimate, loving relationship with Christ. Just like condemning a non-Christian and trying to "cure" his addiction to alcohol, for example, isn't going to save his soul, asking God to make you more generous isn't going to make you a "better" Christian.

Galatians says that "The fruit OF THE SPIRIT is love, joy, peace..." We're not supposed to seek after the FRUIT of the Spirit; we're supposed to seek after the SPIRIT in order that the fruit may be produced in our lives!! And in the same way, we shouldn't come down on non-Christians (with Christians it's a little different) for the "fruit of the world" that is being manifested in their lives, instead we should point non-Christians to the emptiness of their hearts and offer them the promise of life through Christ, so that the fruit in their life will change too!"

I don't know... I think there's some truth to that, at least, but I don't know about all of it....?? It's a little different perspective, I think..

Under my skin

So I woke up in kind of a funk this morning -- you know it's going to be a bad day when you're sweet dream is interrupted by the alarm, the bathroom floor is covered with mud (from last night's slip and slide, ha), the clothes you wanted to wear are all dirty, and it's winter outside. Again. And of course I've just been loaded with homework for the last week, averaging about 5 hours of sleep for the last 5 days or so, so I was still really tired and that didn't help -- it messes with my head.

But then I just had one of those moments in chapel... I was just sitting there watching people file in and it struck me how many people were smiling. (Which, of course, got me started wondering why we smile. Have you ever thought of that? Why does our mouth, of all things, show our emotions? Why not.....our hands? Or.....our posture? Why do the corners of our mouth turn up when we're happy or open wide when we're shocked or squeeze together when we're angry? God could have made it so that we touch our ears when we're upset. Or......twist our head to the side to "laugh." Crazy, huh?)

But that's besides the point.

Anyway, I just had one of those "outside-yourself" moments and realized how much junk was going through my head, and how many worries I was hanging onto, and just saw what my attitude looked like from the outside. And I just felt Jesus right there looking me in the eyes, his hand on my shoulder, telling me, "Let it go, bro. (This is how God talks to me. haha.) Look around you. You are so blessed! You are loved!! And I've got big things for you. Let me take this from you today; let it go."

It's SO easy to get lost in the moment. To be rushed through life. To hang onto the past. To worry about tomorrow. To stress about what other's think. To get lost in yourself. And I suck at that, so much! My mind is my best friend and my worst enemy. How sad is that???

But He knows me. And He reminds me again and again, "It's alright. I'm here. I'm in control. Let it go."

He lets me trade my sorrows,
He lets me trade my pain,
He lets me trade my sickness,
He lets me trade my shame,

For the joy of the Lord that's found in Christ and the assurance of His extravagant love and guiding, sovereign right hand.

What amazing grace!! :-)

So this is my favorite Psalm (if not my favorite passage in the whole Bible), and I was just re-reading it today in church because of something that was said during the sermon, and I was just overwhelmed with a feeling of God's love and protective, guiding hand in my life. So I thought I'd share it and encourage you to re-read it, if you've already read it, but just to read it slowly this time and let the words really sink in. Think about them; imagine them; picture the imagery...

God truly is an amazing God. :-)

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in -- behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand!
When I awake,
I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

~

That's my prayer. Like Pastor Marvin said in the service today, "God knows us best, and He loves us most." What amazing grace. :-)

Funny how things never quite go the way we plan, huh? I think God does it to keep us humble. Or at least me, that is, haha. I just spend so much time thinking and planning and dreaming, and I always get my hopes up, and I'm coming to see more and more that things rarely turn out the way I envisioned.

I think a lot of that is because I'm an idealist.

....a romantic...

And I hate to think that, because I always think it makes me sound like a teenage girl for some reason, haha, but it's so true! I'm a dreamer.

I think I'm a very emotional guy, for a guy.... You know? I mean, just in general. Is that just me?? I don't know if that's even possible, haha. It seems like it, though.

So I get in these cycles of hope and despair, dreaming and living, excitement and discouragement.... Over and over. And over. Day to day. It's a real struggle for me.

And it gets so tiring.

I think my problem is that I don't live in the moment enough. I'm too busy worrying about what I just said or planning what I'm going to say next that I lose track of what I'm doing now. I don't take time to stop... to slow down and look around..... to chill..... to take a nap.... to just take life in and be thankful, you know??? And how can I expect to be joyful when I don't take the time to be thankful? Gratitude is the foundation of joy!

I really just need to learn to give it to Him. To let go. To pray. To encourage someone. To play a game. To enjoy life.

And I need people around me who will help me with that, too, you know? People who will take me aside and just talk with me, or people who will randomly invite me to play soccer or racquetball or watch a movie or take a walk. People who will slow me down -- get my mind off myself and my schedule for once... I love those people! :-D


...because for some reason, life's a little easier to handle when you're not tackling it alone. :-)

Wow. I am officially completely and totally overwhelmed.

I just found out that I have what'll probably turn out to be a 35 page paper due in the next 3 weeks that I haven't started on (I missed the first day of classes because I was sick, so I somehow managed not to be filled in on this rather large detail. lol).

Over the next two weeks I have 4 exams, a 20 minute presentation, and 3 5-8pg papers due, along with work, soccer, weight lifting, chapels, and life to balance. ::whew:: haha.

And it's still winter outside.

Posh.

::sigh::

But then I think of Jesus and Mary and Martha and how Martha was all stressed out and Mary was just sitting at the feet of Jesus -- oblivious to work and stress and deadlines -- and how Jesus told Martha to take a chill pill and settle down. He told her that Mary had "found what is necessary," and she should do the same.

And then I feel like Martha.

And just take a deep breath. And give it to Jesus.

And take a seat -- take it one day at a time.

He is in control. :-)